So we know that there are large majority of women (myself included) who like to think that one day they are going to be Meg Ryan in “You’ve Got Mail” ( including Me). You know movie love. But who knew that there is also a generation of men who are walking around thinking they are Hugh-bloody-Grant aka Daniel Cleaver in "Bridget Jones’s Diary". How so? You ask. Let me tell you my little tale.....
In March this year, I met a guy on the internet (don’t look so shocked that’s how us single 30 something’s do it these days). He appeared not to be an axe-murder (always a plus), we messaged back and forth a few times and this rapidly culminated in going out for drinks. He is an educated, well travelled; intelligent, fairly good looking guy and we had a pleasant evening. When we parted he left me with a kiss on the cheek and suggested we get together when I move permanently back to Cape Town I left feeling a little relieved that there were still “nice” guys out there... but didn’t get my hopes up for any major romance. The idea of having a guy friend... no strings attached.... is still on my list.
I proceeded back to Dubai and we messaged via Face book a couple of times over the course of three or so months.
I got home, settled into routine and then one day commented on a post of his on face book. He sent me a message asking if I’m all settled in and happy to be home. I replied and he suggested we go for dinner. Please at this point note: he invited me.
I was looking forward to it. The idea of having an evening with a nice guy at a fancy restaurant was a refreshing change. When I arrived he was seated at the bar. Got up greeted me and seemed genuinely glad to see me. Conversation commenced and within the first 5 minutes he proceeded to tell me he “was seeing someone”. Alarm bell no. 1.
I congratulated him. (What would be the appropriate response?) Conversation continued. Somewhere between moving from the bar to ordering our meal, I could contain my alarm bell no longer... and asked what his lady thought about the fact that he was out having dinner with me. Reply: “She doesn’t know” Alarm bell no. 2.
My response.... “I seeee...” while contemplating reaching for my handbag and legging it out of there. Mr Nice guy must have seen the look on my face and quickly proceeded to tell me that he was seeing someone but they weren’t a couple, they had only been on three dates. Ooookaaay. Benefit of the doubt time.... I stayed. We chatted. We shared stories of our time spent working in the Middle East. Conversation was easy and we had a few laughs, enjoyed the meal and then..... I cannot for the life of me remember how it came up but somewhere between the meal ending and the bill arriving Mr Nice Guy, of his own accord proceeded to tell me that in a relationship he needs the excitement and butterflies. The sparkle. Alarm bell no 3.
I was a little taken aback at the sudden topic of conversation, one of which I have a rather strong opinion. My response in attempt to keep it light hearted was a rather garbled comment along the lines of well yes, we all, as humans love that sparkle, unfortunately relationships are complex things and it’s too bad there isn’t a magic recipe to keep the fizz and butterflies going forever. Mr Nice Guy then proceeded to tell me, of his own accord, that when the butterflies fly off and his relationships get routine and predictable, he usually ends them.
RIGHT. Genteel alarm bells in my head turned into 5 big red fire trucks all blaring toward the scene of a mass casualty.
At this point, in an attempt to stay calm and plot my escape I became quiet and contemplative. The thoughts running through my head went along the lines off “poor bugger is going to end up sad and alone... I wonder if he has told the lady he is “seeing” this view on relationships. Someone needs to warn her!” I’m not sure what expression I had on my face or if it was my sudden quiet staring out into the wall of wine bottles behind the bar, that Mr Nice guy leaned in and asked my age. I told him, and, in a very patronising move he put his hand on my shoulder and squeezing it said....” Aah don’t worry Claire, you have time. You’ll find someone” (I’m 34 by the way)
In hind sight, it was at this point, that I probably should have picked up my bag and headed for the lady’s room/exit and never come back (maybe with a swift kick to his shin first) But I didn’t, I stayed. The evening ended at 22h30 at Mr Nice Guys request because had a busy week of previous late nights and was tired. SURE!! Oh and I ended up paying for my own meal.
So. My view is that worthwhile relationship’s take hard work, commitment, respect and trust. Spark or no spark. Questions I am left with. If a relationship has no sparkle and fizz, is it worth nothing? Can one build a meaningful friendship which may or may not end up in romance without the sparkle? Is there a magic recipe to keep the sparkle going forever? We all want it, we all need it from time to time but do we have to right to discard relationships as useless and meaningless when that sparkle isn’t there or has disappeared? Doesn’t that make us rather shallow?
The most burning question I am left with, is, do I, as an accomplished, independent professional thirty something, single woman have a right to feel indignant and seriously offended at Mr Nice Guys self confessed “adolescent” view on relationships?
